Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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