This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
