You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
