toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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