You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
