A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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