I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
