So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
