I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
