i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
