dude i'm inner monologue high
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
