Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
