three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
