my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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