I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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