He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
