I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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