talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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