I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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