I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
