Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
