She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
