The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she woke up with a sticky ear
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
