apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
