you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
