Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
