I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
