I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
