She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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