I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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