why didn't you poke me back
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
