she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
