guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
