Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
