I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We are all done wearing pants today
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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