Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize