My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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