when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
