Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
