you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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