You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
