drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
