Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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