did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
