I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
