I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
