So drunk its hurt
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
