your parents love me but you hate me
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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