I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
