what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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