i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize