He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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