I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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