i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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