can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
