Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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