it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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