just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The best revenge is premature balding
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
