Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
