I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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