i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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