I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
